"1 year since last edit"... hmm.. yep. Safe to say this entire site has been neglected. Well, here's an awkward hello to you, my active neocities following! I think it's funny that in leaving this site untouched for so long, it's started to slowly decay, I think. A personal website is capable of doing that in a way. I was inspired to write this after doing another full read-through of my boyfriend's webcomic, Visionary, which by the way you ought to read. Not so subtle plug. If you do a read through, I think you will see the connection. No pun intended. I still browse the site, answer the few comments and emails I receive to the best of my ability... but I would say the whole thing has fallen more or less stagnant. A lot has changed! A lot about me (Cephalon, August... either of us really), a lot about my life. A lot can change in a year. The CEPHALON 7000 site as a project served as a platform for expressing myself and exploring my tastes when there was not much of an option to do so in another way (i.e. in real life). On recent visits, I feel like a lot of it is just not what I want it to be anymore. It's almost like, I read the blurbs and it's like "I wrote that? Really?" or I'm confused that this is writing that is meant to be from me, about me, etc. It's strange. I'm not about to uproot the whole thing right now, god knows theres no time for that, but I can't help but think of what changes I'd like to make. I never write them down, I should probably start doing that. I can't help but to admire the people who do manage to do regular upkeep on their personal websites, regardless of whatever obligations they have. Kudos to you!
I guess now I'll try and dissect the reasons that the site has been left be for such a long time. The main one is that I just lack the time, usually. Today is an exception I guess. A rare day off! I made this website when I had a whole lot of extra time on my hands... which I simply do not have anymore. I don't remember if I mentioned this in transparent terms before, but yes, I was functionally a NEET when I coded the website and in the process taught and retaught myself HTML/CSS. That is not true anymore, and thankfully hasn't been for a while! Another part of it is overcoming the "executive function" activation energy hump to actually get off my ass and do the things, but I think I have been using up all those tokens on my studies. Good for my general life and prospects, bad for any creative project. I've left it alone so long that I have no idea where to start when it comes to picking up the metaphorical hammer and nails and getting back to construction. Do I rehash existing pages, or start on the new ones that were never made? It'll definitely require some planning out beforehand. Lastly, I am in maybe the biggest and longest creative rut of my entire life. I do not really understand why, or when exactly it started, but to be honest I am just not happy with anything I create. My friends have put up with my whining about this subject plenty (thank you for that, by the way) but I feel like I've just stepped into this giant pitfall of insecurity about anything I make and put myself into. Nothing is good enough, everything is frustrating, nothing is worth showing other people. It's all embarrassing and trite. It feels like a silly embarrassing immature issue, like I've gone back in time and I'm some moody teenager again tearing out pages and pages from my sketchbook and crumpling up all my drawings and throwing them in the garbage. I remember enthusiastically saying I was going to host my comic on here however long ago (foolish idea btw, will not be doing that if it does come into fruition) and then it just didn't happen. I've written and rewritten and deleted scripts, but when the time comes to actually start making something, I run away. I don't enjoy drawing anymore, or rather I enjoy the process still, but whenever the product of it is in front of me it makes me frustrated, sometimes to tears. I'm not really sure what to do about this, except tell myself "grow up" "get over it" etc. It's an anachronistic feeling emotion and problem. And this extends to the website too.
With all of that dialogue mostly between myself out of the way, what now? I certainly do want to pick up working on this again, but I really can't promise a timeframe in which I'll start working on it again. I will not have x amount of new pages by y, or anything like that. That would not be fair or genuine, to me or to you. The unsatisfying answer is, "it'll happen when it happens", and I guess this blog post is a first step. Thank you for reading all this hot air, maybe more will come soon? No, I do not know exactly when "soon" is. But I am thinking of the site, and feel like I ought to be making more of it again and adding on.