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dear lord man... idk what it is but i have been drawn back to my neocity in this time of mental upheaval. ill be honest im kind of going nuts and i think its because im back to feeling lonely again. its like i'm back at square one. headed to community college next semester because i decided fuck senior year so ill probably get to meet people there but idk man. it sucks that the first time ive had real world friends i felt i could be myself around it didnt even last a single year and now i gotta keep in touch with them digitally just like all my other friends. not to say that i do not value and adore my online friendships and the technology that allows us to keep in touch very deeply but there really is something different about just being able to be in the same space as someone and walk by their side and just be there. at the end of the day though i'm a guy who fucking hates social media and anything derivative and my ideal is getting as close as i can to being "off the grid" like in an ideal world id just use the internet for anonymous information retrieval and pirating dumb movies (.. and making a fun personal website). that face to face connection is something a lot of people took for granted before covid but ive lived with that sever for most of my life and its just. man. i got a brief taste of it and i gotta say i'm hooked on this whole "just chilling hanging out with friends" thing. i just wish that me and all of my friends could live in some dank cave in the middle of the rockies and we whittle and shit. ive always wanted to be a guy that whittles.

well anyway stupid whittling fantasies aside im just pacing around my enclosure restlessly about to bite the hand that feeds me because i have not been housed with troopmates. hopefully it gets better but im not looking forward to it because i know how much trouble i have conveying myself in real life because i am just covered under layers and layers of socially awkward mulm. sigh. maybe i just need to smoke weed or something idk.